Thar she blows!

Oh CBS, why are you so stupid? For those who missed it, last night was the debut of Pirate Master, a game show that combines two of my favorite things, Pirates and guessing who on television is gay. If you missed it last night I can let you in on a little secret, they all are. My favorite of the group, John is described thusly on the Pirate Master website:

John Lakness is a self-described “unapologetic nerd” who taught himself to program computers while in grade school, which got him into plenty of trouble with “hacking, cracking and anarchy.” As a professional engineer and scientist, he studied physics at the Air Force Academy in Colorado, received his bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and studied materials science at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A scientist by day, he is a lead Chippendale Dancer at night. Although his brain is full of science, entertaining fills his heart. Lakness describes himself as Tarzan dressed in a tuxedo to entertain at a dinner party. He loves to see a smile from every woman in the audience, which motivates him to stay in excellent shape and practice several professionally-choreographed dance routines. A consummate athlete, John takes any physical challenge he can find as a way to stay fit: wrestling, running, swimming and a refusal to drive when cycling is at all possible. He says that if he wins PIRATE MASTER, his first selfish purchase will be a vainglorious billboard in the runner-up’s hometown. He currently resides in Carlisle, MA, with his dog, Machiavelli. His birth date is March 23, 1982.

You couldn’t make that kind of shit up but alas John didn’t make the cut. He was cast away into the murky depths never to return. The idea that this show has made it on to the air really confirms my belief that it’s all over for television. I think now maybe it’s time for me to pitch my reality show where contestants from the southern United States are sent back to school to see if they can learn to read and write and rid themselves of that horrid and at this point just cartoony and put on Southern White Trash Accent. The winner gets a feeling of self-worth and a wealth of higher paying job opportunities. Not the best idea I know but Pirates? Really? Also, I’ve been trying to work on the set up for a joke about feminists where they refuse to call it a hystorectomy, “it’s a herstorectomy!” I’ve been laughing about that for a week and my ladyfriend didn’t seem to find it as funny as I do. Any suggestions on how to set that up would be greatly appreciated.

As for what else has happened on the tubes this week: